Okay, so today’s post is going to be really personal, just laying out there all of my feelings about this new journey God is taking me on. If
you have read some of my earlier posts, I have occasionally posted over the past few months about beginning a journey into full-time writing. This journey has been difficult, and confusing. I posted several weeks ago about how all of the work regarding advertising, promotion, and etcetera just seems overwhelming at times. This post will probably seem very similar to that one as I will be letting my heart out and sharing my struggles, thus the title of this post. Although this post will be very negative – at least regarding my disappointments so far – it really isn’t as bad as this post may seem. I am not in a constant state of depression, and I am not trying to guilt or coerce people into following me based on pity (most likely most of you reading this are already following me on FB). I am just being real with you. Who knows, maybe it isn’t just Christian authors who feel this way when starting out in a new business adventure, and this encourages someone….as weird as that may seem as you read this.
To be honest, I have been feeling very, very discouraged about this journey so far. Even though many people have told me I am a good writer and my stories really keep them engaged, I still get very discouraged at the “analytics,” if you will of it all. You see, no matter how many people say I am good at something, it is very hard to “really think I am good” if I don’t actually get “results” from it. This is especially true of me with writing. People can say they like my stuff all day long, but I don’t see anyone buying “my stuff,” then I tend to think it’s not that good. In truth, I just may not have been “discovered” by those outside of my circles. I tend to think that if my writing were good, then why do I not have anyone buying my book or wanting to read more. In truth, it may be good, but people live in the real world, and that requires other things than reading fiction all day. Though I know that my expectations and imaginations are usually a bit too grand to be taken realistically - I admit this to be a pretty big fault of mine that really hinders my confidence and view of personal success as a writer. I understand it has only been since January (almost 6 months) that I have decided to take my writing to a new level and treat it as a business and so to expect a sudden explosion of followers and success is unrealistic. I definitely get that, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I simply have too big of goals in mind. Granted, if this endeavor is of the Lord, then these big goals will eventually happen.
Are you curious yet on what exactly I am struggling with? Well, pretty much self-confidence, and doubt at my successfulness. This, it seems, is not anything new for a writer. I have been watching scores of videos on YouTube from successful writers, and they all have one thing in common…. when they were starting out, they struggled with the same thing I do now. Some still struggle with doubt as a writer, though they have become successful enough to be able to support themselves by writing full time. This is a goal that I hope I can achieve sooner, rather than later.
So, here is why I struggle with these two things. First, my faulty reasoning behind “being called by God into another adventure.” With anything that I feel God has called me to and given me the ability to succeed in, I tend to think less of the journey and more of the end. My faulty thinking is that if God calls me to something, then I should have no problem with immediate success. This is not the case. Yes, God will always help us to succeed in what He has called us. You will notice a few things, however, if you take a look at the biblical accounts of God’s calling his people. There was always a period of growth into the calling, God waiting longer than any of the biblical characters preferred, and it took hard work to accomplish God’s plan. The hard work I have no problem with, the growth and waiting I do, sometimes - at least how I think of God’s calling goes.
Secondly (and this ties in with the growth and waiting) I simply would have thought I would be “more successful” on social media by now if God were “in it.” I have zero followers on Wattpad (though I just started this two weeks ago,) zero followers on Patreon, 4 followers on my YouTube channel and now no new views coming in on my new videos, 5 followers on Twitter, 16 followers on Instagram, 121 followers on Facebook (only because I send messages to “friends of friends” requesting they like my page.) I might get a couple views on my book website a month (if that,) and I get between 1-7 views on this blog a week on average - I guess that’s not too bad - and pretty much no new book sales. So, you can see how this all can be very discouraging for someone who has such grand ideas and such expectations for God to do things how he thinks God should do them. Well, that is MY BIG PROBLEM, I keep thinking God should do it how I want it done. Yep. That is it. Plain and simple.
Now I don’t care to become rich, only to be able to support myself financially writing fiction. I also know that God will supply my every need, so I don’t need to worry…. now he doesn’t have to .supply my wants…of course. I hope he does. So, that’s it, pretty much. These are my struggles, though I know as a “newbie” author I can’t expect to really make any profit - or make a living - until I get a few books under my belt and “get found” by peeps. Until then, I will need to hold steadfast to the belief that God has, indeed, called me to this new journey of faith with him, both financially as well as in my writing career.